A lazily written, supremely unfunny animated movie that pretends to be for all ages. - 3.2/10

Full Disclosure: First off, let’s be real here: Garfield sucks. The comic strip sucks, the Bill Murray movies from 20 year ago suck, and this movie sucks. Garfield creator Jim Davis is one lucky son of a bitch. He’s made a mint out of this ball-achingly dull franchise. To be fair, some of the adults in the theater with me were laughing their asses off. - 3.2/10

Was anyone out there clamoring for another fucking Garfield movie? If so, they need to be institutionalized for their own good, as well as the good of society as a whole. Back in my day (Yeah I said it. Fuck you. Get off my lawn.) I read the funny papers, and Garfield wasn’t funny when I was five. He’s lazy, he eats lasagna, and he hates Mondays. That’s it. Oh, and he’s a cat. That’s it.

In order to fill the runtime of an entire feature film, the writers of this dreck of a movie had to expand the character of the iconic orange tabby cat known as Garfield. There were so many extraneous scenes, so many superfluous characters, and so many pointless fourth-wall breaks that it was all I could do not to walk out after twenty minutes.

To anyone unfamiliar with the comic strip (thanks for still reading this), it centers around three characters: The aforementioned Garfield, his human owner John, and his companion/pet/slave/dog Odie.

Baby Garfield is cute as hell. I’ll give him that.

The characters are lame as hell in this movie. (Except for Odie, who’ always been the best character in any iteration of this franchise.) Garfield is a total dick, John is a whiney little bitch, and Garfield’s biological father is a deadbeat dad. (That’s not a spoiler if you’ve seen any of the trailers.)

So Garfield is played by Chris Pratt. I don’t know why the studio Illumination is hitching their horse to him, but here we are. (Pratt also voiced Super Mario.) Joining Pratt is Samuel L. Jackson as Vick, a stray cat who happens to be Garfield’s bio dad. I’m assuming that both of these A-list actors were in deep gambling debts with the mob, and did this movie to pay it off. Surely they didn’t work on this movie out of awe of the amazing script?

So, the plot without spoilers: Baby Garfield is alone in an ally, left behind by his father. The kitten looks across the street into the window of an Italian restaurant. He walks up to the window, meets John, who then adopts the kitten.

Garfield obviously resents his dad for abandoning him, but they eventually reunite, and with Odie’s help they must hijack a milk truck and save a sexy cow from slavery. (I didn’t make that up.)

And before we get into spoilers, and you know it’s not just me being a hater, I’ve read several articles bashing this movie over the fact that the Garfield in this film wasn’t faithful to the source material. So this movie may just piss everyone off!

I’ll go ahead and say it: I’m not a fan of Chris Pratt as a voice actor.

Spoilers Ahead

He hates baths, and he hates Mondays. Isn’t that gut-bustlingly fucking hilarious?

This movie had no idea what it was supposed to be. Was it a kids’ movie? A nostalgia play for retirees? A ploy to attract a new generation of fans to this worn out piece of intellectual property? Perhaps we’ll never know, and I don’t want to know, because when I’m finished writing this article, I’m wiping my brain of the memory of this shit.

The thing that pissed me off right away was that there are so set rules to the world of The Garfield Movie. I’m more willing than most to engage in a healthy dose of “suspension of disbelief”. (I watch pro wrestling, for fuck’s sake.) That said, in a fantasy world, we need to know how said world works.

This movie basically follow the rules of Looney Tunes, yet the characters constantly fear for their life throughout their adventures. It completely took me out of the movie. I wondered “Why are Garfield and his dad scared of danger when they can be beaten, burned, battered, tossed about, and flattened into a discus with no consequences?”

Also, some animals can talk, but other can’t; and it isn’t even species-specific. It’d be fine by me if cats could talk, but no other animal could. This movie is all over the damn place. In this world, it seem all cats can talk, but only a few dogs can. Wait… It goes even deeper…

A possum, a bull, and a cow can talk, but a bullfrog and a chipmunk can’t. Is there some deep metaphor I’m missing here?

Garfield and his dad. It’s almost like you can tell they’re related because they’re doing the same thing at the same time!!!

When I said that this movie doesn’t know who it’s made for, I meant it. The jokes and humor were all over the damned place. For instance, there is a joke about Alcatraz, one about Daniel Day Lewis, and one about Tom Cruise doing his own stunts. Oh, sure! Kids are totally going to lose their shit over references to a prison that’s been out of commission for 50 years, an actor from films they’ve never heard of, and a behind-the-scenes nugget about that guy from Mission: Impossible. Brilliant writing!

One of the few shining moments of this movie was the flashback where Garfield’s dad’s true nature was revealed. He winds up being a dad who’s willing to sacrifice his own happiness in exchange for his son getting off the streets and having a better life with John. It was actually pretty deep, and would’ve made a good Pixar short. Alas, I wasn’t moved because it happened 3/4 through the story and I was silently seething with rage at how bad this movie was.

Garfield giving Odie orders again like a fucking asshole.

While Illumination Studios is venturing into IP like Mario and Garfield, their bread and butter is with their original stuff. (Mainly Minions, obviously.) Apparently, Garfield must have an audience somewhere. Who are you? Are you really out there? I just don’t get it, and this is from someone who identifies as Garfield. I’m lazy, I’m not a huge fan of Mondays, and I love lasagna! I’m even orange for a few months out of the year when summer comes around!

Garfield and co wind up saving the day in a two-part heist that seems incredibly disjointed from a storytelling perspective.

Anyway, in the end, there’s a big party at John’s house where every character is welcome. The villains don’t get much comeuppance, but they rarely do in the Illumination-verse.

I can see kids 6-9 laughing at this, but anyone else cracking so much as a grin needs their head examined.

YEAH! We get it! He fucking loves cheese!!!

5 Quick Hits

Introducing a primary villain halfway through a movie without any mention is never an effective storytelling device. That’s exactly what they did with Midwest Milk Lady.
Hannah Waddingham (Ted Lasso) seemed to be having a ton of fun playing the evil cat Jinx. Waddinghan has a terrific sining voice as well. Perfect for Broadway or the West End.
There was a teaser at the very end of the credits that indicated a sequel. FML if I have to write about another one of these…
Cat lovers, you must stay through the end! It’s a bunch of internet cat videos that iIm sure you’ll enjoy!
I saw the late, great Angus Cloud’s name three times in the credits of this movie, but when I looked it up, I couldn’t find who he played anywhere on the internet. Someone please help!