Dora and the Lost City of Gold
- This mind-numbingly dull romp through the rainforest tries so hard to be fun, and fails at every turn.
Full Disclosure: I’ve never seen a single episode of Dora the Explorer. I’m vaguely familiar with the premise, and have seen snippets throughout the years, but I never actually sat down and watched it. Would it have helped me enjoy this movie more? Possibly, but I highly doubt it.
Review
Look, I totally get that I’m not the target audience for Dora and the Lost City of Gold. It’s supposedly meant for little kids, and people who grew up watching the animated series. That said, it’s hard to tell who this movie is actually targeting. It’s too dark for little kids, yet not adult enough to draw in preteens (let alone teenagers). The gags are lame and recycled from countless other movies. The script is a series of nonsensical coincidences haphazardly thrown together to create some semblance of a “story”. There’s no vision, no creativity, and worst of all, no fun. The only saving grace in this movie is the relentlessly effervescent charm of rising star Isabela Moner, who plays Dora.
Moner will survive this and go on to have a solid career. The rest of the cast… not so sure.
There are some really talented people in this movie. Academy Award winner Benicio del Toro plays a CGI talking fox named Swiper. Danny Trejo is a CGI monkey named Boots. Eva Longoria and Michael Pena play Dora’s parents. They’re all wasted in this film. Hopefully del Toro and Trejo just had to just show up at the soundstage for a day, lazily read through their lines, collect their checks, and head home. Michael Pena was the most egregious waste of talent though. He’s so funny in most of his performances, and I thought he’d be given more of a chance to shine in Dora. While he managed to elicit a few minor chuckles, he’s mostly relegated to the background. Eugenio Derbez is tasked with delivering the majority of the jokes throughout the story, but his manic expressions and stale physical humor just falls flat.
You’re better than this! Run while you still can!
There are no rules in the Dora universe, which made it frustrating to try and find a foothold. It ostensibly takes place in the real world, yet no one balks at a CGI talking fox. They’re only slightly annoyed that he steals things from them intermittently, failing to address that this fox is a bipedal acrobat who speaks English. Magic exists when it’s convenient, the Incan gods are real and have great power, and the Peruvian natives can shape-shift… What the fuck?
The obstacles Dora and her friends face are overcome with ease. It’s far too easy, even for a kid’s movie. Everything’s been done before. From Indiana Jones to Tomb Raider, the writers of this movie just stole from every adventure epic they’ve ever seen. There’s quicksand, killer insects, flooded underground chambers, poison arrows, and every ill-conceived booby trap we’ve ever seen. Hell, there’s even a pressure-sensitive shrine that triggers when a golden idol is stolen. Raiders of the Lost Ark, anyone? This could all have been forgiven if the movie was referencing these prior films in a tongue-in-cheek sort of way… but it wasn’t. The stereotypical virgin nerd accompanying Dora points out the similarities to other movies in a painfully lazy and unfunny manner.
Granted, the cast did what they could with the material they were given. Bless their little hearts.
No spoiler section today, because there’s nothing worth spoiling. It’s as predictable as you’d expect a Dora the Explorer movie to be. Yeah, there’s a “twist”, but if you’ve seen any kid’s adventure movie since 1989, you’ll see it coming from a mile away. Actually, I hope you don’t see it coming, because I hope you don’t see this movie at all. Don’t do it. It’s not worth it. Maybe… MAYBE, if you’re a diehard fan of the animated series, wait until it’s streaming. If you have to drag a kid to something, The Lion King, Toy Story 4, and Aladdin are all still playing in theaters. If Dora and the Lost City of Gold is your only option though, you have my condolences. You’re shit out of luck.
Nope! Nothing out of the ordinary here! Just a regular ass fox. (Granted, he still looks way better than Sonic.)
5 Quick Hits
There’s a really out of place sequence where Dora walks through a field of giant mushrooms and starts tripping balls. She turns into the classic animated version of herself, complete with talking map and backpack. This posits the disturbing notion that the entire animated show was just a series of fucked up mushroom trips after a teenage girl ate a few too many caps. I might have to go back and watch some of the original series to see if my theory holds up.
I’ve never in my life seen so many phone lights constantly flickering on and off in a movie theater. It was so casual. They didn’t even try to do it discreetly. Furthermore, no one else seemed to care. If that’s not a concrete testament to how boring this movie was, I don’t know what is.
The visuals were kind of cool. It may have enhanced the movie watching experience by a hair if it had been released in Dolby or IMAX. The jungle landscapes and bright colors would’ve popped more.
The dance number during the end credits was probably the most entertaining part of the movie. Too bad most of the people left either before or during it.
I was surprised that the filmmakers had the restraint to not do an overt lead in at the end to a possible sequel. A title like Dora and the Lost City of Gold implies that there will be more “Dora and…” movies to come. God, I hope that’s not the case.
